5 Pokémon that would suck in the real world, and 5 that would be awesome
I cannot wait for Nintendo to take a stab at VR again for one simple reason: a VR experience where Pokémon are just hanging out. Pokémon Snap is almost universally beloved, even by folks who are starting to get a bit tired of the mainline games. Last years New Pokémon Snap was wonderful, and exactly the strong step forward we all hoped it would be. But it has its limitations - not every Pokémon is there, every course is on rails, and every Pokemon’s movements are scripted.
Now, I’m no fool. I know just how much work goes into game development, and having AI that just does whatever it wants would make for a really shitty Snap game. So just make it an app instead! Plonk yourself down in the world, set up in a hide or whatever and just see what stuff gets up to when nobody’s watching.
No scores to chase, nothing to unlock, just twitching for nerds. This was my main takeaway from watching Detective Pikachu - we’ve been blue-balled by the tantalising prospect that we could watch Pokémon have jobs and shit, instead of having to follow Ryan-Fucking-Reynolds around for a couple of hours. I can’t remember the plot of the movie! I cannot bring myself to care!!! But I do remember the Machamp that’s a crossing guard, the dishwashing Ludicolo and the horrifying Ditto from the climax. Two hours of that next time please! Kill off the dad in the first five minutes. He doesn’t need to know!
This did get me thinking though - Pokémon Legends: Arceus is right around the corner, and from recent publicity we’ve seen how Pokémon would act in the Hisui region. Like most large, predatory animals in the wild today, they’re more than happy to just fuck up anyone who bumbles into their territory.
But what if Pokémon were real? And what if they existed… today? Like most things, I’d venture that it would absolutely suck and be awesome at the same time. So let’s zoom in on five Pokémon that would make life a living hell if they existed, and five that would *hactually* be amazing in real life.
CAVEAT: I’m not putting legendaries in, especially cover legendaries, because being able to snuff out existence with floods, undoing time etc is just real low hanging fruit for something like this.
‘Haha, wouldn’t it be terrible if the Pokemon that can control antimatter annihilated everyone?!’ It would! But that’s boring to think and write about. I won’t do it!
5. Awesome: Sudowoodo, Aw no: Phantump
Sudowoodo: Whenever we go back to visit my folks we always enjoy a walk in the woods. Having a wander around in nature is always great, but my sister has taken it up a notch by getting really into identifying mushrooms - they’re everywhere, and it’s aways exciting to find one, even if it’s the fiftieth clump of Turkey Tails you’ve seen on your walk. Last time we were down my dad found a tree that looked like a dog’s head - hurrah!
But imagine that heady thrill heightened even further by your walk revealing not only some mushrooms and some funny looking flora, but a chill weirdo pretending to be a tree as well?!
Phantump: Re-read the above, but replace “chill weirdo pretending to be a tree” with “dead kid’s ghost that’s haunting a stump”. No thanks!
4. Yeah!: Electivire, Yargh!: Joltik
Electivire: I’ve gone back and forth over whether this one is awesome or shitty- on the one hand, inexhaustible renewable electricity. On the other… Electivire Battery Farms??? Let’s imagine that if these things existed, then there’d be no need for energy companies. Even if they were, can you imagine someone trying to wrangle one of these bruisers into a cage? Even if they were wearing wellies they’d still get smacked around something fierce. Just throw them a few berries and let them unload on your batteries.
Joltik: Hey, little fuzzy bug that’s eating all my power! I don’t know if you’ve noticed but there’s an energy crisis at the moment- I don’t know the antonym of ‘serendipity’ but my utilities contract ran out like a week after every energy supplier collectively shit their pants and doubled all their prices. I don’t want some shitty little electric spider clamping onto my wall box and driving my electricity bill up even further! Of all the things I want to use electricity on, Making a Spider Fat is not high on the list.
3. Hooray!: Drakloak, Hoo, nay!: Drifloon
Drakloak: The Drakloak line is one of my favourites, just for how weird they are- a family of ghost dragons where the adults fire out the babies living in their heads at Mach speed to attack? I’m interested! It’d be great to see a Drakloak in the wild, nurturing a little Dreepy to get it ready for becoming a baby bullet. The Galar Pokédex says they’ll get so uneasy if they don’t have a Dreepy to care for, they’ll try and make do with another animal. Imagine coming across one that’s trying to make do with an incredibly confused badger on it’s head. They seem like good parents!
Drifloon: If there’s one sentence I never want to say, it’s “Hey! Come back with my child!”.
I especially don’t want to say it to some weird little balloon ghost.
2. Hot: Houndour, Not: Growlithe
Houndour: We love a ghost dog! Black Shuck! The Mauthe Doog! Evil Marmaduke! they’re an exciting aspect of British folklore and I think it’s time we treated ourselves to a new spooky lil’ guy. Someone who’ll put a little chill down your spine as the mist rolls in on cold nights. A howl from the forest jolting you awake. Brrr!
Growlithe: Doesn’t Officer Jenny use one in the anime? We don’t need to give the pigs dogs that can breathe fire.
1. Great: Blissey, Grating: Togetic
Blissey: Imagine a world where if you eat the egg of a creature, that egg will make you kind and caring to everyone. On top of that, what if the creature actively wanted you to eat their eggs because they want to spread joy to all people. The transformation of society would be utterly breath taking: instantaneous wealth redistribution, politicians quitting in droves. We’d usher in a golden age where people are motivated by doing good.
Pump ‘em out Blissey! We’ve got a world to save.
Togetic: This little asshole only gives joy to people who are already kind and caring. Selfish!
There we go. A nice balance of great and not-so-great real life Pokémon. Have you got any that you think would whip ass in the here and now? Comment below!